Saturday, November 19, 2016

Another Side of Me....

     So, this is probably one of the hardest posts that I've written.  But, after much thinking and praying, I decided to share.

     This past summer was probably one of the hardest summers that I have had as a parent.  Marissa's behaviors were increasingly getting worse and her aggressiveness was at an all time high.  On two occasions, her meltdown could have lead to me getting into an accident and possibly hurting ourselves or someone else greatly.  More than one occasion, did I find myself pulled over on the side of the highway, praying that the meltdown would end.  I also learned this summer that people are not always who they say they are, and when the tough got going... they got up and left.  Leaving me even more helpless and hopeless then I ever had before.   I felt very abandoned by God.  I just was very isolated and alone.

    After I was diagnosed with Caregiver Depression, I decided that I needed to reach out for help.  I did to one person who I believed was a very close friend, but she turned her back and walked away.  I then contacted another friend who reminded me that as strong as I am, I also had to allow myself to be weak.  Kym prayed with me that God would show Himself to me daily in a real way.... and He did.  I then turned to my childhood friends, who I knew would have my back.  I was able to get some relief and pour my heart out to both Brenda and Stephanie.  Both, of them know me well and encouraged me to let my guard down and show another side of me.   This blog is that first step.

    To be quite honest, I'm tired of fighting against what everyone else thinks "we" (as a family) should do.  I'm also tired of having to constantly be on my "A game" with my daughter.   I just want to be.  I'm tired of explaining and explaining her disability to people that don't understand, even though they have good intentions.  For so long, I've tried to make everyone else happy and in the process, I've made myself and my daughter miserable by bringing her to activities that I knew would lead to a meltdown and hitting.  Last Christmas, Riss had to spend about 30 minutes in timeout because she was so overly stipulated and used up all her energy that all she could was hit and scream.  She lost any ability to express herself.   I was at a training today and the speaker said, "no where did you ask to be a parent of a child with a disability, it happened, you deal".  I never asked for this.  I've tried to do my best but so often I fall short.  What you see on my outside isn't how I always am on the inside.  I have my good days and my bad days.  Now, I'm trying to focus on healing myself and taking those steps so that I can be around for a while.

     I write this to remind each of you in our current world of turmoil, each person is going through their own journey.  Everyone has some sort of struggle that they are coping with on a daily basis.  Some handle it better then others and others are able to cry for help.  Things have gotten better.  I'm reminded that this is a journey and sometimes it is day to day and others its minute by minute.  But, knowing that I have God and a support system that I have built is what keeps me going.  Life isn't easy and in our toughest moments I am blessed that I have a little girl that loves me, a husband that not only terrific to me but the best father a girl can ask for and people who take the time to encourage us along the way.  I have so much to be thankful for and in this time of Thanksgiving, I can say that I am grateful beyond measure.