"Somethings just can't be fixed, Amy"

Over the past few months, we have been taking Marissa back and forth to the doctor for constipation and colon back up issues.  Marissa has been battling this for her entire life but it has increasingly gotten worse and worse.   Last October, Marissa had spinal cord surgery in hopes that it would fix the communication between her brain and her bladder and bowel.  It was not successful.  Last January, we learned how to catheterize her and now we have to learn how to manage her bowels.  Yesterday, the doctor looked at me and said, "her ability to learn how to go on her own, just isn't there.  Somethings just can't be fixed, Amy".

Anyone that knows me, knows that I'm a fighter and a fixer.  Being told that I can't fix something, especially with my daughter, just brought a feeling of hopelessness to me.  I left feeling what do I do now.  Everything I envisioned her doing in the future was her in pull-ups.  It is heart breaking.

Today, I walked around feeling sorry for myself.  I tried to put on a good front, but I'm pretty sure I failed.  Then God sent a couple of reminders.  The first reminder came from my hair stylist.  She reminded me that Marissa is a very special little girl and that I have no idea how many people lives she has touched.  The second came from her speech therapist from school that retired last year that I ran into at the grocery store.  She reminded me that Marissa has defied the odds so far and that she will continue to surprise us.  She's a miracle.  

Tomorrow, will mark the one year anniversary of the passing of my buddy, Darnell.  He was one of my kids and had severe Autism and a seizure disorder.  I miss him everyday.  I do my work differently because of him.  I know that his last bit of time on this earth was good.  It was better than good, it was great.  He was the sweetest, kindest kid, I had ever met.  He worked hard the last few weeks of his life to accomplish things we all wanted him to do.  He had so much more to give, but it was his time and he left this earth, singing and dancing away.   I know that he is looking down on me and saying, "I can't wait for you to see me Ms. Amy!".

So tonight, when I got home, I hugged my baby girl.  I told her that I loved her more than life itself and that I am sorry she has to go through all of this.  She looked at me and said, "I love you too, can we watch Wheel of Fortune?".  In that moment, I laughed because she doesn't know what she's going through, this is her life.  She knows no different.  The same as Darnell, knew no different.  I loved Darnell and I love my Marissa.  I know that somethings just can't be fixed on earth, but I know that they can be fixed in Heaven.